EBEDA MOVIE REVIEWS

Monday, March 16, 2009

Watchmen




Title: Watchmen
Release Date: March 6th, 2009
Type: Movie
Language: English






Visually, spectacular, plot, interesting, execution, rushed. The film adaptation of Watchmen has been eagerly anticipated since its first trailer ran before the Dark Knight in theatres and it has not met without its share of controversy. Fans of the graphic novel were up in arms the moment they heard that the unfilmable was being filmed, Fox sued Warner Brothers after they discovered that the latter had violated the rights to the film, Mathew Goode with a slight German accent over his American one over his natural English one. It seemed that Watchmen was bound to disappoint but really, it wasn’t that bad.


In an alternate 1985 where Nixon is still president and Indian food is all the rage, there is a murder in New York. Edward Morgan Blake, aka “the Comedian,” was thrown from his high-rise apartment down onto the sidewalk below. Blake had been a costumed vigilante, a masked adventurer, a superhero who worked for the United States government. Now a magerie of masks, both retired and active, try to solve the murder and reveal to the viewer the history of their lives and of the world in which they live.



Sure, the film is pretty accurate to the comic but I’m not here to talk about that bullshit. I’m here to talk about the film, so if you want to hear about the comic, fuck off and go read my review of that, you cocksucking vagabond. The movie, which I am writing about here, as opposed to the comic book, which I wrote about there, is entertaining enough but while it’s pretty to look at, I for one am mainly interested in the quality and story. If you disagree with my priorities then tough titty because I’m the one writing this review.



The biggest problem that I had was that the movie was rushed. The studio forced director Zack Snyder to remove about an hour out of his first cut and so he was forced to cram the most important elements of the central story into a single film, leading to some confusion and anomalies. It all comes too fast for anyone to digest unless they had read the comic prior to viewing the film. On top of that, most of the characters were a bit off from how they were in the comic. Maybe not enough to be noticeable to casual readers of the comic, but enough to totally drain most of the feeling out of the characters. I had no emotional connection to anyone on the screen. Blake came off as a total ass without the slight glimpses that were given in the comic to show the little humanity he had, Veidt wasn’t smug at all and was more like any other superhero doing ‘a good deed,’ Rorschach was slightly humorous, or at least not even close to as dark as he was in the comic, Laurie was slightly incompetent and a whore, Dan was just sort of there, Jon… I like Jon. I think that the film accurately captured Dr. Manhattan, at least as so far as the comic is concerned. This all, however, does not really matter to the quality of the film, because regardless, there were going to be differences.




Most readers of the comic, I feel, only truly appreciate the central storyline and that is what this film follows. It even follows the comic when it should not, such as in the case of Veidt’s mutant Lynx/cat/tiger/meowmeowkitty, Bubastis. In the comic, Veidt’s plan is different. The nature of his plan requires some development of the cloning/gene manipulation/etc. technologies. So, starting small and working their way up, Veidt industries begins to work with altering dna. Bubastis was one of the great, early successes and so her existence makes sense. The existence of four legged chickens also makes sense because who doesn’t like drumsticks? Besides vegetarians like Veidt and myself… and Hitler… that is. It’s all possible in the comic book because of Veidt’s research. The changes made to his plan in the film, however, render all of that research pointless and so it logically would never have occurred. Amazingly, however, Bubastis shows up near the end, without explanation. I’m assuming that was cut from the film but Bubastis should have been cut all together as well. Way to fuck up, Zack.



But for the average moviegoer, most of my fussing makes no difference. It’s a good, entertaining movie. If you can stomach bad words, graphic violence, a very upfront sex scene that just won’t end ohmyfuckinggodwhywon’titstop, then go see it. I’d prefer that you read the comic instead, though, because it is soooo much better. But you won’t, will you? I know you. Fucker.



There was one improvement made over the comic, however: The Silhouette.



Hominah hominah hominah, aoooga, wowowowowohoh! WOOF!





- Jared “JaredisLeader” Carlson


Grading scale: 1 is the worst, 5 is the best.
Watchmen receives 4/5 child killers.

Monday, February 16, 2009

My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009) (Rated-R)




Reviewed by:
Drew Stanczak





Quick Run-thru

--------------------
10 years ago, a man massacred a whole slew of teens, this year he is back.

What Drew Thought
-------------------------

Ok lets get this straight.... this is nothing like the orignal, which is one of my favorite slasher films ever. But, in that, it does not mean its bad by any means. It never tried to be something it wasn't. It was a mindless slasher, And it knew it.
The movie was just plain fun to watch. Get over the fact that some of the deaths were funny. THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE! You need to just sit.... and enjoy.

ACTING
-----------
It was all pretty good. Jensen Ackles played Tom Hanniger (the T.J. from the orignal) and he did it really nice. The only thing is that i keep seeing him as Dean Winchester. Jaime King was good for the most part as Sarah. And the new Harry Warden was pretty good too.(played by Richard John Walters) but it was very similar to the old harry warden.

GORE/VIOLENCE
----------------------
This film had the same amount of Ketchup as there is under owens bed. If you dont know owen, that means ALOT! It was so Ridiculously gorey that it was fun. i dont want to spoil anything.... but it was great.

LEVEL V - "Gorehounds will Cheer!"

NUDITY
----------
There is only one scene here. but it bares all. The scene is about 7 minutes long and follows a female character as Harry Warden chases her. very gratuitus.

LEVEL V - "When your naked, The killer can't snag your clothes."

DIRECTING
---------------
Patrick Lussier was right on mark. He did fast, fun cuts. No creeping around here. when The Miner was coming for you, you saw him. and you knew how much time you had to live.... not long. He worked well for the 3d shots making them framed perfectly on the screen.

SOUNDTRACK
-----------------
Why can't i remember that part? must not have been stand out.

WHAT DIDN'T I LIKE?
-----------------------------
-The Ending
-The watered down story
-The worthless love triangle
-bizzare continuity errors
-no really. The terrible terrible ending.
(its way different than the original)

COOL BITS
---------------
-The 3D aniathrashed me.... it was great.
-To see Harry back on screen again.
-Could have been a sequel to the original.
-Stand up and cheer for the kills.
-Funny kills (on purpose)
-Harry's breathing.
-Super gorey.


FINAL VERDICT
---------------------
If you like 80's movies..... go see it..... please. and do it in REAL-D.
3/4 EBEDAS

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Friday the 13th (2008) (Rated-R)


Reviewed by Drew Stanczak










Quick Run-thru
--------------------
In this new Outing to Camp Crystal Lake, Clay (Jared Padeleki) is searching for his sister who went missing one month ago. and of course, our hero, Jason (Portrayed this time by Derek Meers) Wants to kill. Thats all.
As far as remakes go, THIS IS NOT ONE! it very well could have been part 11 in the series! (part 12 if you count Freddy vs. Jason)

What Drew Thought
-------------------------

Honestly.... If you didn't enjoy this movie even the slightest..... there is something wrong.
For the people who say that it ruins the series or, it doesn't take itself seriously.... REALLY GUYS? REALLY?
Well I have a little story for those people. once upon a time, Year 2001 to be exact, our friend Jason,
went on a little trip. You know where he went? Do you know? HE WENT TO OUTER SPACE PEOPLE! OUTER SPACE!!!!!!!! If that isn't breaking the ridiculousness barrier right down to the ground, then i must be dreaming. To be honest.... What did you expect. Why did you go see it? not for a deep storyline.... not for huge twists..... you went there to see JASON KILL PEOPLE... AND KILL THEM IN CRAZY WAYS! in that sense... the movie delivers. it delivers bigtime.
Anyway..... i liked it.... alot in fact. So if you want to make yourself like this movie better, do yourself a favor. Go watch part V then watch "Jason Goes to Hell" it will make you love this movie. Oh, and as for those people saying "Jason wasn't even the killer in the first one, Why is he in the remake?" well get this. Jason IS Friday the 13th. and the RE-IMAGINING was of part II-IV. People were standing and cheering for our boy. IT WAS HIS MOVIE! So give it a chance GO SEE IT!

ACTING
-----------
All the acting was pretty cheesy here. but what do you expect? Though, Jared Padalecki (Clay) did do a great job. Still though, He always seems to play the "Sam Winchester" role. I also really liked Aaron Yoo (Chewie) as the comic relief. and if im not mistaken, he is the first asian in a F13 movie. Congrats. And last but not least, Derek Mears played the new Jason pretty well, he was more like... a scary wolf like hunter, while Kane Hodder's Jason was a more like an Eerie Hulking Bearlike hunter. I personally am partial to Kane's, more Eerie Jason.

GORE/VIOLENCE
----------------------
All the kills were shown onscreen here, Suprisingly light on the Ketchup for being a new age horror film. But, all is well. Certainly went for the "Look how Cool Jason is" more than the "Look how bad he can Mutilate someone"

LEVEL III - "Not Your Little Sister's Teen Movie"

NUDITY
----------
Considering they were going for the 80's throwback homage, you should expect some, and it Certainly is Gratuitis, moreso than any other F13 so far. Nothing too bad here though, just your normal unmotavated topless scenes.

LEVEL IV - "Don't Bring the Kids"

DIRECTING
---------------
Marcus Nispel always does this to me... and i don't know why.... i don't jump in horror films but always at least once in a Marcus Nispel film. Basicly alot of the same hijinks from his 2003 Texas Chainsaw Remake. But he did up the ante alot here. Some real fast cuts and some really tense moments. I think that one day, he will be really astounding. but he needs to move on. he could do such better films (ones that his style fits, like more actiony movies)
Overall, i really dug him.

SOUNDTRACK
-----------------
Alot of the sam, Harry Manfredini's "Ki-Ki-Ki-Ma-Ma-Ma-" F13 theme is still intact, alot more intense music this time around, as there wasn't much creeping around, it was all in your face action scenes.

WHAT DIDN'T I LIKE?
-----------------------------
-Not enough gore.
-Light on cameos from older films (if any).
- Jason's Lair.

COOL BITS
---------------
- A possible hint at a F13/TCM crossover film.
-THE ENDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-How to cook a sleepingbag (you will see).
-Jason looks so cool on a roof.



FINAL VERDICT
---------------------
GO SEE IT!
3.5/4 EBEDAS

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